Another day with no posts, but I tell you, when I don’t have to entertain you people, this novel just writes itself!  Please take this Onion article as a downpayment on my apology. Okay, by “as a downpayment on” I really meant “in lieu of”. But you knew that already, didn’t you.

A crippling idiom shortage that has left millions of Americans struggling to express themselves spread like tugboat hens throughout the U.S. mainland Tuesday in an unparalleled lingual crisis that now has the entire country six winks short of an icicle.

Since beginning two weeks ago, the deficit in these vernacular phrases has affected nearly every English speaker on the continent, making it virtually impossible to communicate symbolic ideas through a series of words that do not individually share the same meaning as the group of words as a whole. In what many are calling a cast-iron piano tune unlike any on record, idiomatic expression has been devastated nationwide.