Okay guys, here are the haiku I culled from the pack as best exemplifying the spirit of defeat and helplessness I know you feel every day. You each get to choose two, ranked in order of preference. You’re voting on style, technique, sass, and the strength of the “knowing chuckle”. . All votes are confidential. The haikuist with the most votes gets a free tshirt from the Bookninja shop. Runners up are encouraged to buy a tshirt anyway and lie to their friends about winning. Alright? Okay. Continue reading below.

Accused of killing
the office jade plant with spite,
my boss memos me.

I drink black coffee
my boss at the door:
you get my memo?

I owe two dollars
for the weekly coffee pool,
twenty-five for the plant.

I have not emailed
regarding the office jade:
this staff is a team.

Today is Thursday.
I think it’s Friday: wear jeans–
subordination.

Dead plant, old coffee,
memos for staff softball games:
not a team player.

-Tammy Armstrong

–

Every day, I take
The number 7 Dunbar
to work. Smells like pee.

*

Dear employee, due
to a change in infrastructure
we’re letting you go.

You’re letting me go?
I don’t think so. Not this year.
See my shop steward.

*

Socialist asks: of
my two jobs: one paid, one not,
which should I prefer?

Capitalist says
A job with no pay…sounds great.
How do I hire you?

-Elizabeth Bachinsky

–

Flanked by books, Colleen,
placid on her office chair,
reads the horoscope.

“Okay: Gemini.”
Nodding sagely, reads it out.
“You long to be free.”

“Somebody brought cake!”
Gathered round the grubby desk:
God, I hate my life.

-Wendy Banks

–

Reporters on call
display go right to voice mail
- silly season games

-Jonathan Bennett

–

Boredom ricochets
Softly off of fabricked walls
Almost waking me

-M. Black

–

Haiku:

clock hands ticking round
slow and stilted second hand—
outside it is spring

-Kerry Clare

–

Foam lumbar support
props black stats, cold joe back cramps.
What’s green, withering.

Old office ivy
nobly dying for a drink–
dregs of Diet Coke.

-Dani Couture

–

Eff one, tab, escape
Unix database keystrokes
Infinite blank fields

-Heather Cromarty

–

WORK HAIKU

Male managers meet
to discuss gender issues:
Problem, what problem?

Come to order please.
First item of discussion:
Emperor’s Wardrobe

Cubicle pop-ups;
a peekaboo power play.
Hey, pick me, pick me!

Solidarity:
union rep wants more money
working for the poor.

-Rhonda Douglas

–

The walls are colored
like the snot from pneumonia
that I’m not over.

This explains why we
identify with mucus
dried, flung behind things.

The blessing, though, is
that I occupy my mind
while I pick boogers.

-Stephen Fisk

–

Project Manager
My job, so they say and pay
9 to 5, thank God.

Delete my email
Like a good office Stalin
Free-cell or solitaire?

Sartre was correct
Three meetings in a row
No Exit, all is hell.

-Anthony Galveias

–

Green spring laughs outside.
But the computer’s frozen
and with it, my mind.

-Susan Glickman

–

Two Senryu

1.

Barren cubicle
farm where only lichen grows.
Photobiont-brain.

2.

Orthopedic chair
essentially useless since
I slouch, chin in hand.

-Mélanie Grondin

–

Old men eye younger
men’s wives, while office staff’s flirt-
ing fucks with their minds.

-Tracy Hamon

–

Joy! Celebration!
I will sleep tonight knowing
I met the milestone.

answering the phone
we try to sound cheerful, like
we are not in pain

The sign on the door
says meeting in progress. But
this is not progress.

cleaving my pale breasts
a fiery identity
on thick red lanyard

-Jennica Harper

–

BSc degree;
A Masters, plus “on the job”;
It comes down to this:

Called to troubleshoot
The unresponsive printer:
“It needs more paper.”

“I can’t get Email!”
Says the panicked director.
“Plug this cable in.”

Universal cure:
“First turn your computer off;
Then turn it back on.”

-Michael Hayward

–

Day-timer

Lagavulin at noon
Lagavulin at two; work
is not so hard

-Chris Jennings

–

Office cleanliness has one
glaring drawback: no
dust to follow with my eyes.

-A. K.

–

Bored out of my tree
Holes in the drop-in ceiling
Catch random pencils

#

I got a degree
So I could spend all my days
Doing PowerPoint

#

Fifteen years I worked
Now I make too high a wage
So I get laid off

#

Our boss, so adroit
Promoted beyond his means
Leads by example

#

I liked my old boss
The new one sucks, but oh well
They’ll re-org next week

-Brian Klassen

–

My boss watches as
I cross and uncross my legs
For shits and giggles.

The CFO has
Clogged the john again. The sound
Of one hand clapping.

Boss on line one. Mike,
We need you in the men’s room.
I high-five myself.

I’ve started smoking.
By law, they have to give you
Five five times daily.

Peter Mansbridge for
You on line two, sir. Breaking
News: you’re still a tool.

After lunch I lick
My index finger till it
Wrinkles.  I’m single.

-Michael Lista

–

No cubicles here.
My door closed.  No one bugs me.
I will never leave.

-Sharon McCartney

–

Under fluorescent
skys, workers tend this bright four-
cornered world. Rejoice!

***

Don, ‘gunshots’ turned out
to be burst pipe. LOL!
you got my e-mail?

-Michael

–

Bosses are meeting
Boardroom leaking laughter. Scorn
Puddling at my feet

-B.D. Miller

–

Life? One day only,
The Christmas Office Party,
Hit on lewd stenos

I think: cubic centi-
metres or inches, prison
is fluorescent time.

Dull monochrome screen
Windows Vista eats homework
Email monitored

-Shane Neilson

–

Sixty hour work weeks -
now they want us to revise
the “Vision Statement”?

Hung over from last
night’s gig, ten a.m. photo shoot -
no business like it

-Art Norris

–

All day I edit
Words that nobody will read
And that includes me

Where is ‘le mot juste’?
I had it just this morning,
In perfect English

How often must I
Tell you? Impact is never
A transitive verb!

-Stephen Pigott

–

She waits for copies
the machine drums and flashes;
I’m dancing inside.

She opens the file
I pluck a single white sheet
she winces, thanks me

-B.G. Rotchin

–

Supervisor says
Surely you know our mission?
I leave a statement.

Supervisor says
Surely you know the dress code?
Leaving, I moon her.

Supervisor says
Surely your alarm clock works?
Bells ring in my head.

Supervisor says
Surely you can type faster?
Her neck is fragile.

Supervisor says
Surely that report is done?
I must let her go.

-Angela Runnals

–

In the cubicle
a frown is easily wiped
off with a soft butt.

The desk strokes my thigh
when I swivel in my chair;
I drop its drawers.

Back in the boardroom
we look like penguins gathered
around a dead whale.

-Brenda Schmidt

My job is pointless.
I don’t do a thing all day.
No one notices.

-Doug Stuart

–

Middle management
dickhead is taking his inch
the entire mile.

MBA stands for
My Buddies are Assholes too.
Thanks for college, dad.

-Paul Vermeersch